Let it be...

Today in our living room I had what I feel to be a spiritual moment. As I was doing my morning yoga practice, I found myself moving into child's pose without even thinking or consciously making the choice. It is always a restorative pose for me that makes me feel the most grounded. I'll move myself into child's pose in the file room at work if the spirit moves me and I feel like it's where I need to be after a challenging session. It wasn't until I was in child's pose today that I realized that a song was playing in the background in our house which was the same song I listened to shortly after the first miscarriage. Back in 2012, I sat in my car in an empty parking lot listening to the words of this particular song and feeling the flood of emotions take over me. The sadness, the grief, the overwhelming feeling of loss and despair. Today my body intuitively moved me to child's pose when the same song started playing. As I felt the weight of my forehead against the carpet and allowed my body to relax, I was immediately conscious of the kids playing around me in the living room as I was doing my practice. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and felt an overwhelming feeling of love and gratitude for the noise and chaos and small feet pitter pattering around me at that exact moment. Gratitude for my three beautiful boys and for all that my life has become. All that felt so distant as I sat in my car that cold day in 2012 was suddenly filling my space and my heart today. And I took it all in. All of it. And let it be. 

Merry Christmas 2014

This year we decided to do Christmas a little bit different. We packed up the car and headed three hours north to a beautiful cabin in the woods. It has become a very special place for our family. This is now the third year we've been there but the first year we have gone for Christmas. We stayed for a little bit over a week and laughed, relaxed and truly enjoyed our time. What made it even more special was that some dear friends were able to rent a cabin right next to us and spend some of the week making memories. It just goes to show you that you can never be exactly certain where life will take you. 

Our little Emilio was very loving while on vacation. Every day we were showered with kisses and hugs. He was pretty excited to be in the woods and was maybe trying to earn extra credit points knowing that Santa was possibly coming in a few days. LOL

The boys spent most of their days doing art. Thanks to Ignacio's birthday package of art supplies to last a lifetime from aunt Kathy and uncle Vern they were able to keep themselves pretty busy. They made and cut out elves that were hiding all over the cabin and even managed to make a few Christmas stories of their own. 

And it's always good to spend time with this guy. Late nights of snuggling by the fireplace and making big plates of nachos were pretty special. 

And of course the kids loved playing outside. The cabin faced a big patch of woods and had three doors to go out to the backyard. Quite a change from our 900 ft.² condo on the ninth floor. There were plenty of nature hikes and looking for animal tracks. Ignacio also says that he saw Bigfoot. While there are no pictures as proof he is pretty adamant. 

And then there's the pools. Every day included swimming and running and splashing, which helped the kids get their energy out. I was amazed that they even had the energy after being outside all day and staying up late. The adults even got some time in the hot tub. The resort has a couple of different pools, so the kids had fun trying to decide where to swim. 

Veronica fit in naturally with our family. Just enough girl for me to have fun making bracelets, making up dance routines and watching girl shows and just enough boy to enjoy  roughhousing. Such a warm love bug. 

Sunday was determined to get to the park. The first couple of days we were there there were a couple of inches of snow but as the temperatures warmed up we could see the grass. 

While we didn't have a Christmas tree this year, I snuck in some Christmas lights and while the boys were at the pool I decorated the cabin. This artificial ficus tree became our Christmas tree. Of course the boys decorated it. I even put lights in their bedroom so that they could sleep in the glow of rainbow colors!

Headed out for some exploratory time. The kids thought it was so cool they could go in and out of front and back door and go out by themselves. Then when you add the fact that they could go between cabins by themselves...they really felt cool. We got a kick out of watching them proudly put on their jackets and boots and say, "I'll be right back!"

And the downtime to read and relax by the fire place was so sacred. Every day mommy got to take a nap and got some alone time to recharge. 

Soon enough Christmas Eve was upon us and the families made a huge traditional Venezuelan meal. Everything turned out so delicious and it was so easy with all the help between the adults. I think that was what was so great about the vacation. Although we did a lot of things, there was really no work involved. Things just came really easy. 

After dinner I gathered everybody around the fireplace to read "mouse in the manger." The kids love the story and it's become a solid tradition in our family. I just smiled and laughed as the kids protested the fact that we had to read the story before opening gifts. I remember thinking and feeling the same thing. But I held my ground because I think it's really important and I remember back when I was little that having to wait made me really appreciate and think about and reflect what Christmas is really about. It wasn't about eating and then tearing gifts open. It was about sitting in reflecting through a story about the meaning of Christmas. That's what grandma always really wanted. Now that I am a mom I can see the importance of that. After the story was finished we exchange our gifts to the kids between families. Milk and cookies were left out by our ficus Christmas tree for Santa the next morning and little eyes were shut as pillows held tired heads. 

And can you believe it Santa found his way to our cabin?! Here the kids are with all the gifts that Santa had left by the fireplace. They must've done a really good job this year because they got everything on their lists. Emilio was especially relieved because he was pretty anxious the weeks leading up to Christmas that he hadn't quite fulfilled his obligation to do good listening. But he got his triple track and his gum and his T-shirt and boardgame and robot dinosaur. It was all waiting there for them in the morning at 6 o'clock after having only slept for 4 1/2 hours. 

Christmas day was filled with alternating naps between the adults and the kids playing with all of their new toys. We had enough food left over to feed a small village so the fact we didn't have to cook, which was pretty nice. 

The Cisneros and Acurero families. 

We even had a chance to go down to the lobby of the resort where there was a life size Santa who sang Christmas carols. We spent a good half hour they're singing back to back song for anyone who would listen. 

Merry Christmas from the Cisneros family. Now we look forward to New Year's Eve when we will do it all over again. A gathering of friends and family, traditional Venezuelan meal and celebration and the comfort of being with those you care about the most. The only downside is that I can't listen to Christmas music 24 hours a day seven days a week anymore. But you only really appreciate things when you have an opportunity to experience their absence for sometime. 

40-3

Turning 37 was a special day, made extra special by all those in my life that took the time to call, sing, text, send a gift or email their well wishes and share the love. I certainly felt it. After a week of nursing the family back to health, it was nice to have a few hours to just take care of myself. A beautiful dinner with a dear friend closed out the night. I feel that I have come so much into myself this past year. Life has the tremendous opportunity to grow you or end you. Well, I'm growing. Every day. Reaching, stretching, and always striving to be living consciously. I pray for continued opportunities, especially with those who give the best love and who equally strive to be on the path of deeper understanding and growth in their own life. 

SEVEN!!!

Ignacio was up at 5:40am for his 7th birthday.  I think he was a little excited.  We started the day off right with pancakes and bacon (his special request).  I'm glad he decided NOT to eat seven pieces of bacon, but rather just two.  He immediately got to work on his Lego set from us and negotiated for about a half an hour with Emilio about what his little brother could and could not help with.  They eventually figured it out.  Ignacio kept saying that he "didn't feel any different" through out the day, meaning he thought when he turned seven he would experience some earth shattering change.  No such luck.  We all jumped into the van and headed to Super Moon, the Chinese buffet.  He ate his favorite Asian noodles, wonton soup, broccoli, and even got to have Sprite.  Then he was off to the cool skateboard shop with Tia Casey to get his own custom made skateboard.  Apparently there was a group of five 12 to 14 year olds there that helped him out and called him, "little dude" making him feel especially special.  He came home with a great board that even had stickers that the "teenagers" had put on for him.  Cool.  All his cousins came over for a crazy two hours filled with remote control monster trucks and hanging from the bunk beds.  His cake this year was him fishing and catching a muskie and Papi made him his Venezuelan quesillo dessert that is a "must have" at Venezuelan birthday parties.  I just stared at his face as the glow of the candles lit it up.  Seven years old.  He might not have felt different, but at that moment I saw him differently.  A boy, not so little anymore.  Wide eyes and figuring it all out.  Emilio struggled a little bit...okay, a lot bit, with the fact it wasn't his special day.  We worked it out.  After presents and cake it was time for the movies.  Angel took the boys to see something at the theater and treated them to Icees and popcorn.  They came back at 9pm and were TIRED.  I could see it in Ignacio's eyes.  As I tucked him in and looked at the clock it was 9:18pm.  I snuggled his head with mine and reminded him that seven years ago we were together at the hospital, just getting to know each other.  But, maybe we knew each other all along.  Seven years ago he was only two hours old, wide eyed like an owl, already curious and open to the world.  I gave him a kiss and wished him good night.  The adventures of being seven were only beginning.

Going Private

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