Good Grief

This was my fourth Mother's Day as a mom. As I sheepishly laid in bed even after I was awake I smiled at the sound of little feet and squeels. I love my kids and I love being a mom (most days). It was my first Mother's Day without my mom in my life and the weight of the day was heavy. I tried to remind myself that it was only a day hand-picked by other people to celebrate a social role and that the next day would be just another day. It wasn't about it being Mother's Day. It was the fact that Mother's Day is the same as the day that came before it and the day that would follow it. Another day without my mom in my life. Mother's Day has always been the day that I would focus on the positives of my relationship with my mom and, for one day, try to forget the pain and suffering that came along with it. Mother's Day, by definition, reduces complicated human relationships of mother and children to the basic fact that this woman brought you into the world and, thus, should be honored. Only this year it was different. There was only a space, an emptiness, a sadness. While I allowed myself the permission to feel the grief throughout the day, I focused on the boy who made me a mother. And as Ignacio and I sat at the coffee shop across the table from each other as we ate way too many chocolate cookies and laughed, I reflected on the depth that being a mother has brought to my life. I thought about how I want to do things right with him and right by him forever, and I thanked him for making me a mom with the urge to cry. This was good grief at it's finest. Mourning loss with hope of new beginnings.

Blessings

You wake up and then remember. The Easter basket is hidden and it has CANDY! This was the first year that Ignacio was able to really participate in the ritual of the Easter Bunny, even leaving two carrots and water (in a plate not a cup because "Rabbits lick water!!!!") out for him the night before. We celebrated with family and friends, ate more ham than was probably good for us and ended the weekend tired but full. Last year Emilio was just a newborn and we ended up shoving food in our face at a Chinese buffet for Easter because it was all we could muster up given our energy levels. But this year we felt better (aka less guilty) because we did our best to pull off the tradition.

Our boys are so beautiful and growing so beautifully. Ignacio, well, Ignacio is Ignacio. Full of energy, VERY talkative, an actor, a musician (rock star as he would say) and very inquisitive and smart. That is on a good day. On not so good days he is challenging, demanding, repetitive and intense. When I say "good day" I am of course referring to my good days and not so good days! He is pretty much the same kid. What changes is my ability to keep up with him! After coming home from church on Sunday he wanted to play church and, of course, he was God. He is excited to start preschool this fall and SO READY!! He is an enthusiastic leader, charging the pack of four year old boys at the park (I mean pirates) to the other "ship" and I just smile as I watch them all follow behind him, sticks in hand held high to the sky.

Emilio, well, Emilio is Emilio. He is walking/running and his little behind is so cute as he makes his way from point A to B. He is smart and, as Ignacio would say, "curious" and ADORABLE. He has been described as those closest to him as spunky, a little man, a handful, a mama's boy and a little stinker. I would say there is truth to all of those. He is expressive, spending most of the day babbling with furiostiy. Good luck to him getting a word in with his brother around. He says oh-oh and hi and I am convinced that yesterday he said mama. He is studious, choosing one book and making his way over to me with it held out. He points and babbles as his way of asking what things are. He squeeled and pointed at the monkeys at the zoo this week so enthusiastically that everyone around ended up watching him rather than the animals.

Both the boys are snugglers and we spend a good portion of our day doing just that and they spend a considerable amount of time snuggling each other. Their relationship is more dynamic. I find if I remove myself from it they tend to get along better than vying for my alliance. Ignacio is intense with Emilio but Emilio can hold his own quite well...and I have observed that he is often the instigator. (Hence the labels of a little stinker and spunky). He is definitely his own little person and there is no current concern of him loosing himself in his brother's shadow. He is his own light.

BIG

When did you get so big? A boy with bright eyes and a wide smile.

When did your feet get so big and your fingers so long?

When did you get your courage and your loving way of seeing the world?

When did I stop swaddling you in my arms and start holding your hand?

When did we become a big family with so much love in the space between us?

He's off!

So Angel went to Chicago for work this week and when he called to check in and see what was new I cringed when I told him over the phone, "Emilio is walking." It wasn't bad that he's walking but just, what are the chances Angel would be away when it happened. But it was true. That afternoon I was on one side of the living room with a box of Annie's Cracker Mix and Emilio took over 5 steps to get to me (In all fairness in my head it was to me but it was really to get the crackers). And then he just took off. You know when you try to start a lawn mower and after a few crueling tries it starts? Well, that is what Emilio has been like with walking...a few falls and tumbles but then....VRRROOOOMMM. He's off. He looks like something between an old man and a drunk man when he waddles but it is ADORABLE. And the best part is that he usually babbles when he does it. You have to see it to believe it but Emilio is turning into a toddler, although in my heart he is still my baby.

Do you remember?

On Monday night we had just come back from Panama and it had been a long day. Ignacio and I were so tired. I laid in his bed with him, facing his little face with mine and said, "It has been a long day" to which he replied, "Yea, a long, long day like a big, big snake." Then it was quiet and out of nowhere he asked, "Do you remember Ama?" and I said yes. Then he said, "That was when I was two." Yes, Ignacio you were last with Ama when you were two. He still remembers her. She still exists in his mind. I continue to pray for healing in all of our hearts so that next year he doesn't ask if I remember her because she won't be a only a memory.

Appreciation

Ever since the crash I have felt a greater appreciation not only for my husband but for things in general. Lucky the accident has turned out to be a blessing in many ways for our family. I am just happy that my husband walked through the door that night and that when Ignacio asked me if, "Papa is coming home" I could say with relief, "yes."

Crack me up!

Here are just some of Ignacio's recent "crack me up" moments:

I asked him to put the toy back in the room and he said, "My legs aren't working."

Today he went to the bathroom and "pooped" and then, as he sat on the toilet said, "My nose is sad."

Yesterday he told me what he was doing and then asked me, "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

He asked me on the way to Addison's birthday party if impalas had big or little poop.

"What do trees eat?" My answer was sunshine to which he proclaimed, "NOOOO. Then it won't be a beautiful day."

He told me last week I couldn't go to work because, "The people locked it and it's closed."

At the kitchen table Krissy and I heard Ignacio ask Addison if he as his best friend, to which Addison seriously answered, "Ummm, not yet."

He is amazing and has an amazing mind. Even more amazing is his mouth which just keeps going and going and going and going and well, you get the point.