Healer

This weekend we are headed on a family vacation to the same winter resort we went to almost exactly two years ago.  The only difference is that our family is in such a different place.  The last time we booked the vacation we anticipated me relaxing and eating food to avoid nausea and taking it easy as we entered the middle of our first trimester.  We were over the moon about our third baby and anticipating a sacred time to relish the last months as a family of four.  What we didn't know is that the vacation would take on a whole new meaning when, just weeks before going, we lost the pregnancy.  We were inexplicably devastated and the family vacation to this winter resort became a place of healing and retreat for me and all of us as a whole. I went with my suitcase stocked with meditation books and the Chinese art of movement.  I took my journal and things to make me smile and feel whole again, when in reality I felt like a piece of me had been carved out.  Most importantly, I was with Angel and my two boys, who brought me joy and redemption in ways I could never anticipate.  It was a relaxing vacation full of good food, lots of memories (Ignacio learned to swim in the pool) and a time of centering for my body and soul.  I even kept the little shampoos and conditioners to use at home as a small sensory reminder of that sacred time.  Little did I know this time would be important, as we would experience another devastating pregnancy loss only months later. 

Fast forward and here we are now, packing suitcases to once again venture north, but this time as a family of five.  We are staying right next to the cabin we stayed at just two years ago. The journal and the books are coming again but so are baby socks, onesies and a few teething rings.  Instead of requesting a crib for Emilio we are requesting one for the little love bug that is our Santiago.  My heart is full of love and the pieces that left me after the losses continue to float somewhere in the universe; the bright lights that came through me but left all too quickly.  I am thankful for my family and my beautiful children.  I am thankful for my body and it's ability to recover and trust.  I am thankful for bravery and love, which ultimately brought us our beautiful baby boy.  And I am thankful for Angel; my partner, best friend and healer of hearts.