Equinimity

The house is quiet. I mean pin-drop quiet. I am sitting in the living room after a good day with my boys. I feel like I am emerging from a dark, empty cave where I have been living for the past two weeks. My physical energy is increasing and my symptoms from the beloved C-Diff are subsiding. With all of that come a greater emotional capacity to handle the challenges of parenting and life in general. While my cave was quiet and dim it was lonely and heartbreaking. It just felt that one thing was coming at me after another and just as I would get my head above the water I could feel the inability to breathe again. I'm still wet but at least floating. I have tried to focus on what I am thankful for, even in the middle of the night when nothing seems to be adding up and the reasons for pushing forward appear to be dwindling at a rapid pace. I am so thankful to Angel for pulling us up and out and unconditionally picking up the pieces I couldn't even hold in my two tired hands. It has been a season of growth and a deepening of our love, even in the face of the unknown. For now we are not moving to Miami, Angel is looking for opportunities fast, my health is strengthening and we pull together resources the best we can. Am I glad it is over? Maybe the question is "Is it over?" That's the funny thing about life. It never is. There will always be the next thing, the next unknown, the next challenge and the only thing I ask for is strength and wisdom from the suffering of this experience. If there is no wisdom then what was the purpose. My compassion has deepened and that makes me a better person. The good news is that it is a beautiful time to emerge from a cave. The leaves are budding, the tulips are blooming and the wafting smell of blossoms moves through me as if to call my cells back to life. Spring is here and so am I.