Friday, February 19, 2010

Grateful

Where do I begin? I am 37 weeks this Sunday and very shortly this little life will become a part of our family and a new journey will begin. The word I would use to describe these last few weeks is tired. I tell Angel every day, "I feel like I do nothing and yet still get tired." He kindly reminds me I need to "take it easy" and that I am making a human being. No small feat. I love a supportive husband. I know from my last experience that labor is a marathon and one that you have to train for, so I am not allowing myself to become lazy. I try to clean the house every day, make the meals and play with Ignacio, substituting reading or relaxing with resting when I can.

The baby is low and squirmy. The fact that soon our eyes will meet and our fingers touch is amazing. I spent most of the seventh month grieving the loss of my current relationship with Ignacio...a necessary part of the process of making space for the new little one. People who didn't understand were quickly left to the wayside in my journey, minimizing my grief as "not being excited about the new baby" which it wasn't at all. I feel momentum now and resolution of sorts when I reflect on the upcoming changes. I do not feel excitement or anxiety, fear or apprehension. I just feel. I am attempting to let the moment be, not placing any expectations on the experience. The clothes are in the baby's drawer and the crib is up but I know that this transition is much more than having the physical in place. More importantly will be the emotional endurance to meet the challenges as husband and wife, mother and father. I guess what I feel is grateful. Grateful for the opportunity to know love in a way I never have before. Grateful for the lessons learned and relationships forged with those closest to me. Just grateful.

I ask for blessings as I enter the next phase of bringing this life into the world. I am so thankful to my sister for offering to care for Ignacio while I labor. She is the closest thing to my duplicate and her ability to be in-tune with Ignacio and love him and see him for who he is in every moment is what I need to be focused and at peace while away from him. Because she is my soft, safe place to land I know it will be that for Ignacio. Thanks Krissy.

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